youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
