u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
