U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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