someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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