I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
