So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She's the barista slut.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
