Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
