things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
