I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
