Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
