the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm at about main and main street
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
