Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
