I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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