The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
