PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
