Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
