Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
