Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He kissed a someone with a penis
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
