I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
sarcasm needs its own font
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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