to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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