I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Is it because I queefed?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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