I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
