Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
