the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
