How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
