If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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