Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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