I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Randomize
