omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
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