I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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