I'm eating all of the evidence.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
