Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
