Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
