The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
