pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
