you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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