I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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