Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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