Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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