No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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