This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
