His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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