I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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