can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Four minutes until I can fart!
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
