If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
