Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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