Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
