Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
