Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
