This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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