Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
