Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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