Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
