I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
