Kareoke will never be a sober sport
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.