I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
