My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
