Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize
