I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
