Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
True strength comes from lack of pants
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
